“FREEDOMMM!”: D.C. Statehood Movement Conquers Beltway by Force as General Bowser Mobilizes Army

SATIRE: After a surprise offensive across the Potomac river resulted in the seizure of Alexandria and Arlington by the newly formed Army of the Northern Wards, General Bowser, the political and military leader of the DC Revolutionary Movement To Become A Geographically and Demographically Small 51st State and former mayor of DC, decisively defeated a Virginian counterattack. 

Witnesses described the scene as thrilling, action-packed, and cinematic. 

“As the Virginians charged into the streets of Alexandria,” eyewitness Shawn Ralfthy said, “Bowser told her men to remain steady, and at the last possible moment, she told them to lift their weapons and fire. The carnage was devastating.”

Before the battle, the morale of the Army of the Northern Wards was low. In spite of a string of several victories, many felt that the Virginians, once massed together, were too mighty a force to contend with. However, after a riveting speech by General Bowser, the Washingtonian force became visibly more energetic and aggressive.

Many questioned why they should fight for DC; that it was only for the benefit of the elite, and that they could run and live another day. However, as General Bowser appeared at the head of her army, she rallied her men. Though many doubted her, questioning whether she was really the acclaimed former mayor of DC whose bravery went so far as to renaming plazas, she assured them that it was indeed her.

“Yes I’ve heard about Bowser,” she said pacing across the field of battle in front of her men, “She’s tried to compromise the independence of the D.C. Commission on the Arts and Humanities, and her administration simply forgot to fill out a grant application which would’ve given AmeriCorps and Literacy programs $3.75 million. I bet if she were, she’d consume the Virginian scum with incompetent, corrupt budgets to benefit her donors” Bowser said humorously. 

She was once again asked after such a successful administration why Washingtonians should fight for her. She replied “I am General Muriel Bowser, and I see an army of men and women from the district, here, in defiance of tyranny. Yes. Fight, and you may die. Run, and you’ll live ... at least a while. And dying in your beds, many years from now, would you be willing to trade all the days, from this day to that, for one chance—just one chance—to come back here and tell our enemies that they may take our lives ... but they’ll never take our FREEDOM TO DECIDE WHAT OUR FEDERAL TAX DOLLARS ARE SPENT ON BY ELECTING TWO SENATORS AND ONE REPRESENTATIVE TO CONGRESS!”

After General Bowser’s speech, Washingtonian forces proceeded to push back a Virginian counterattack. They plan on continuing their southeastern offensive all the way to Falls Church. The attack southwards has also been combined with a pincer from DC’s north into Maryland. The DC flag is visible in Bethesda, College Park, and Chevy Chase. 

Virginian soldier Alexandra Jirzinski described the DC army with admiration and respect, saying “I don’t really know what they’re fighting for, but in battle, they terrify their opponents with chants such as ‘taxation without representation’ and other baffling phrases.”

In a statement from the DC Movement in Foggy Bottom, they argue that their conquest will only go as far as the Beltway. Their justification for these offensives comes from the belief that DC isn’t viewed as a state due to its size. 

“Even though DC has a larger population than Vermont and Wyoming, we believe that the rest of the country doesn’t see us as a state because we have neither the size, nor clearly defined cities and townships” says Major Marty Portramo, “We believe that by conquering the Beltway, we can acquire the necessary space and clearly delineated towns, cities, and suburbs to be viewed as a state and be recognized by the federal government as a state.”

With the notable exception of Virginia and Maryland, public support for DC across the country has grown, with many sympathizing with the “underdog” status of Washington DC. However, the future remains uncertain.

While the House of Representatives has passed a bill recognizing DC as a state, the Senate and Presidency haven’t followed up. DC may have won the battle, but it remains to be seen if it has won the war for statehood.

David Leshchiner is a war correspondent embedded with the Tenleytown Raiders.